Caster's Blog

Welcome to Caster's Blog

2005-12-14T05:09:34Z

Hello and welcome to Caster's original blog.

The entries that were posted here in real-time would go on to become Marcus Alexander Hart's first novel: Caster's Blog: A Geek Love Story. The book is available in paperback and as a free ebook download from CastersBlog.com.

If you would like to peek behind the scenes and read this "Version 1.0" of Caster's Blog, I recommend clicking here to jump to the first entry, and then using the green navigation arrows to move between entries (pictured below).

Although the vast majority of the content contained within this blog has been carried over into the book, this version contains three things that its print brother does not:

1. Comments
This LiveJournal contains hundreds and hundreds of comments from Caster's friends. For the sake of pacing, only a select few comments were chosen to appear in the book, and even those were often slimmed down from their original form. A few small sub-plots that lived in the comments never made it to the book, including Caster's nickname "Soupcan Ray," and his dubious relationship with Marcus's mother.

2. Memes
Caster often posted memes as a way to make him seem less like a fictional character and more like an average LiveJournal user. In retrospect, it is easy to see that many of these entries contained clues that Caster was a figment of marcus132's imagination (Note how many of them were posted at Marcus's trademark 1:32 p.m.). Unfortunately Internet memes have a shorter shelf life than organic dairy, so many of them have become broken since they were first posted.

Click here for a listing of Caster's memes.

3. Lost Episodes
During the book editing process there were several posts that, for one reason or another, just didn't make the cut. Many of these entries were originally meant to enhance Caster's "realness" factor and were largely irrelevant to the story. There are, however, a few misinformer.com style comedy pieces that are worth checking out. The list of Lost Episodes also includes a few entries that contain images that didn't make it to print.

Click here for a listing of Caster's Lost Episodes.

If you'd like to learn more about Caster's Blog, or any of Marcus Alexander Hart's other projects, please visit MarcusAlexanderHart.com.

Ray Caster: Full Disclosure

2005-11-29T03:24:28Z

Many of you have been wondering where I've been for the past nine months. I'm here today to tell you the whole truth.

Before I tell you the true story, I would like to take you on a stroll down memory lane via your own comments:

"i'm sure your book deal after all this will turn into a hefty profit."
- aerospace - 2005-02-05

"Caster, I don't care how this ends up, you have to at least write a book about your life, I think."
- seinjunkie - 2004-07-05

"You know Ray, odds are that your weird life reports is going to grow so popular with time that you'll be asked to make a book out of it. And you're not even a call girl/expensive prostitute!"
- hawk_one - 2004-09-25

"Will you PLEASE make a movie about your life, or at least a book, or something? Honestly... You need to share these kinds of things with the WORLD!!!!"
- halfwayhappy - 2005-02-01

You wanted me to write a book, and the time for that book has come. But before I get to that, there is one more thing about me that you should know.

I am not Ray Caster.

There is no Ray Caster.

The story that unfolded in this journal was actually written by Marcus Alexander Hart, aka marcus132. This probably doesn't come as a very big shock to most of you. Throughout Caster's adventure your disbelieving comments grew more and more belligerent. Some of you called it right out. This is the part where you get to say "Hah! I KNEW it!"

You have all partaken in a writing exercise which, like the Doctor on Caster's beloved Voyager, expanded far beyond its original parameters. I never meant to hurt anybody with this hoax, and outside of a few potentially bruised egos, I don't believe that I have.

As I mentioned before, Ray Caster's LiveJournal has been turned into a book entitled Caster's Blog: A Geek Love Story.

For more information on the book, please visit CastersBlog.com.
For more information on the hoax, read the Caster's Blog FAQ.

Many people asked me if I was going to dedicate a section of the book to the reactions of Caster's online friends upon finding out his secret. The answer is no. Like Caster's LiveJournal, his book is fundamentally about telling a story, not about perpetrating a hoax. In fact, the true nature of Ray Caster and his journal is mentioned only briefly on the very last page of the book.

I do, however, feel that I owe each of you a forum in which to voice your reactions to the true Ray Caster. This post is that forum. Are you upset? Impressed? Excited? Here's your chance to tell the world your feelings in your own uncensored words.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for believing. I hope you all had as much fun during your year with Ray Caster as I did.

A journey of 1000 miles...

2005-02-24T15:58:32Z

On February 22nd, 2005
Mr. Raymond Simon Caster and Miss Shadoe Moon Beaupre
were bound in loving matrimony.

Aren't we just the cutest thing? :-)

Me and the all new Mrs. Shadoe Caster leave on our 2 week "honeymoon" to go see our moms first thing tomorrow morning, so today is officially my last chance to return this computer to the office before I'm past the 30 day deadline. Yes, I waited until the last possible minute to do something, can you believe it? I tried to peel the Apple sticker off the front of it just now, and it made this huge sticky glue mess. I hope they don't give me crap for "vandalizing" the computer or something. :-P

It's going to be nice to see mom and to meet Shadoe's mom, and I know we're going to have fun, but this whole trip seems so depressing to me. This could very possibly be the last time I see Shadoe for 2 years. :-( I was sitting here this morning thinking that when I get back and I get a new computer, I'm going to be doing a *lot* of whining to my LJ friends. I was actually thinking in my head about what I'd write when I got back. How pathetic is that? I've become such a little LJ exhibitionist that I'm trying to put my feelings into words before I even have them. That's so fucked up. :-(

It made me think of something that hawk_one said to me:

"I'm getting pained to see your posts. Over and over, no matter what the problem is, you keep resigning, you keep allowing things to run its course until either you or someone else explode. That's how you ended up with Julie. That's how you ended up getting split with HR Julie. That's how Blake could be a pain in your ass for such a long time. And that's also how HR Julie was able to fire you so damn easily. Because she knows you're generally a pushover. I mean, how many times have you been relying on this LJ community to come up with solutions of your problems for you? It's starting to become a bit too many, in my opinion..."

You know what, hawk? You're right. You're absolutely fucking right. All I ever do is sit here and whine to my LJ friends about every little problem that I ever have. I'm so pathetic. It's like I barely even exist outside of this journal.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm at a very symbolic crossroads in my life that I have to face on my own. In 2 weeks I will be all alone with nothing but a savings account that has enough money in it to buy one of two things that I really want:

On the one hand there's the Alienware Area-51 5550. Or as I like to call it, *my preciousssss...* If I had the money for it 6 months ago I never would have stolen this stupid computer in the first place. I know I could get some shitty Dell for like, 500 bucks, but I figure if I'm going to put down the cash for a new computer, I'm going to get the most bad ass one that I can, because I know that with Shadoe gone I'm going to end up spending all of my free time parked in front of it geeking out.

But on the other hand, I could buy a Qantas flight to Vanuatu, and with it the very real possibility of being with my one true love. I've already received an email asking for more information about my work experience from one of the banks there. Its not exactly a job offer, but its definitely not a rejection either. I found out that even without a visa, you're allowed to stay in Vanuatu for 30 days. If I had some solid interest from an employer before I left, that's enough time to nail it down and apply for residency. Shadoe says that the first time she gets her days off she's going to do some local field research for me on the immigration front. This option definitely wouldn't be easy, but it definitely wouldn't be impossible either.

So yes, I DO believe in fate, and I DO believe that fate has lead me here. But hawk_one is also right. I should stop sitting back and letting fate do all the work for me. It's time for me to stop asking *everybody else* what I should do, and for once just figure out what *I* think I should do.

At this point in my life, am I satisfied to keep sitting on my ass and whining into cyberspace about how miserable my life is, or is this the time to finally pull the plug, get out of the chair, and actually DO SOMETHING about it?

The only thing that I know for sure is that this will be my last post for a while. I'm definitely going to be in New Jersey and California for the next few weeks. After that, who knows where fate's path will lead?

I do! I did!

2005-02-23T02:07:22Z

The knot is tied! I am officially somebody's "ol' ball and chain". ;-)

The "ceremony" was as beautiful and romantic as one would expect it to be in the sanitary chambers of the Sarasota county courthouse. When it was over and all the paperwork was filed, Shadoe was like "Somehow I don't feel like we just got married as much as I feel like we just entered into the sacred vows of RV ownership." LOL!

After we had, um... officially explored the rights and privileges of our holy covenant, Shadoe wanted to visit our lifeguard stand at Lido beach. She said that it's not where we technically saw each other for the first time, but it's where we truly met and where she first fell in love with me. Awww. :-) If I had been more romantic, I bet I could have got somebody to come out and marry us there instead of downtown. Oh well, there's always the "real" ceremony for romantic gestures.

On the way back home we stopped at Kilwin's for some ice cream. There was this guy in the park doing circus caricatures, and Shadoe thought that it would be funny to have him do our "official wedding portrait". The guy was asking us all of these questions as he was drawing, and we told him that we were just married today, and he was like "Well in that case, let's make it romantic!" and he put this huge sloppy heart around us. LOL! Classy! Besides that, it actually looks pretty cool.

So Shadoe wants to send out wedding announcements now. I was like "Aren't you supposed to do that *before* you get married?" She was like "You send out the invitations before and the announcements after." Is that true? I think she's bullshitting me just because she likes to make cards. ;-) Anyway, we bought a bunch of fancy art paper this morning, but now she's got this idea that she wants to put the caricature on the front of the cards too. So now we're off to Kinkos to do some overpriced scanning and printing, then a thrilling evening of folding and pasting! Married life is so exciting! ;-)

Theoreticals

2005-02-20T23:07:47Z

Betrothed 2 more days
Research sets my mind at ease
I wonder "what if?"

I still can't believe that in 2 days I'm going to be a happily married man. I'm excited about it, but it's so hard to get truly worked up about this "DMV wedding" knowing that it's not like, the "for real" ceremony. My stomach is all knotty, but its not because of cold feet. The reality is finally setting in that Shadoe is really, actually leaving for Vanuatu in 3 weeks. I've got this "the honeymoon is over" feeling, and the honeymoon hasn't even started yet! :-(

I realized the other day that one of the reasons that I'm so terrified about Shadoe going to Vanuatu is because I don't know anything about the country except that a "Survivor" was shot there. I had this terrible image in my head of that Sally Struthers commercial full of parched desert and little kids with bony limbs and bugs crawling on their faces.

So I spent the past few days doing a lot of research, and it really put my mind at ease a lot. The country actually sounds really nice for somewhere that the Peace Corps would send volunteers. I was surprised to find that tourism is one of their main economic staples, and that a bunch of major cruise ship routes have stops there. It's right next to Fiji on the map, and Fiji is, of course, where Dave Lister wanted to go if he ever got back to Earth. So at least its in a nice neighborhood.

There was one thing in particular about Vanuatu that really caught my attention:
"Vanuatu as a Christian country with high beliefs is one of the safest and most peaceful in the South Pacific. The population is renowned to be the friendliest in the region with little if not no resentment towards expatriates based in the country. The streets in town are safe to walk at night and the island communities welcome guests with open arms."

Friendly to expatriates? Hmm. You know, I've been seriously itching to expatriate for just over 4 right wing, empire-building years now! I always thougth that I'd end up in Canada, but now all of this stuff I found out has me thinking in wild hypotheticals.

Would it be at all possible for me to just move to Vanuatu while Shadoe is there? I know she'll be really busy workign, but she DOES get 2 vacation days every month when friends and family are allowed to visit her. I mean, I'm not stupid. I realize that the country is a huge chain of islands, and where the Peace Corps volunteers are probably isn't exactly going to be next to the Hilton, but I'm just thinking, what if?

What's the BEST that could happen if I stay here? I would just sit here in Sarasota, find another job, and spend all of my time sitting by the mailbox waiting to hear about the all the life changing adventure that Shadoe is having without me. I know that's pretty much exactly what's going to happen. :-(

On the other hand, I'm thinking what's the WORST that could happen if I tried to go to Vanuatu? Maybe they don't let me stay in the country, or I just hate it there, and I end up back in Sarasota doing exactly what I would have done anyway if I never even tried. But even then, at least I would have taken a sweet little honeymoon with Shadoe on a tropical island that loves tourists. That's pretty fucking good for a worst case scenario!

But then there's the BEST case scenario. What if I DID like it there, and I DID find a job, and they DID let me stay. I know I'd still only get to see Shadoe no more than 2 days a month, if even that much, but still 2 days a month is a billion times better than never for 2 years! Especially now that I've got myself all geared up not to even set eyes on her until 2007, just that little bit of hope seems like winning the lottery!

But this is all just crazy talk right now. Don't worry, I'm not about to sell all of my shit and jump on a boat or anything, but I am going to do some serious research into the feasibility of any of this actually happening. When I told all of this to Shadoe, she said that it was the sweetest, most romantic thing that anybody has ever wanted to do for her. But then she immediately told me not to get too excited about this plan, because its so *so* unlikely to happen. Yay for the vote of confidence. :-\

Anyway, the closest major town to where Shadoe is going to be has a few international banks, so I just emailed some resumes out. I don't even know if I want to work in banking anymore, but that's what my education and experience is in, so its probably my best shot. What the hell, right? It never hurts to try. :-)

The future

2005-02-17T21:43:15Z

Today Shadoe and I did a lot of serious, serious talking about our future together, and we made some pretty big decisions.

I guess the most important thing that we decided is that it would be pointless for me to apply to the Peace Corps. She realizes that I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment to a volunteer organization, but she says she doesn't think any less of me because of it. It still makes me feel like kind of a selfish dick though. :-\

But even if I was all psyched up and ready to commit to the program, applying just so that we could be together is still pointless because of the time frame involved. Shadoe had a "fast" application process because they needed people that have strong French langage skills, and its STILL going to be about 8 months between her first application and actually leaving the country. Since I don't have any special skills, she may be back in the US by the time I even left if I applied now. With my luck, that's what would happen, and we'd end up spending 4 years apart instead of 2. :-(

THen we talked about marriage. I was so worried that she was going to call the whole thing off, since the whole Peace Corps thing wasn't going to happen, but she just said that I was being ridiculous, and that she said she's going to marry me because she loves me, not because of a legal technicality. Awww! She makes me all melty inside. :-)

Plus we thought that even without the Peace Corps, it's probably important to be married just from a legal standpoint. I've seen very special episodes of "ER" where people can't see their loved ones in the hospital because they're not technically married (usually because they're technically gay, but that's beside the point). I don't know how international law works on this matter, but I figure that it can't hurt to have official documents if something goes horribly wrong for either of us.

We both want to have some kind of big outdoor wedding ceremony with all of our family and friends, but with her leaving the country so soon, we kind of have to accept that that isn't going to happen right now. We decided that we'll do a quickie "legal" wedding before she leaves, and then have the "real" wedding when she gets back. I have to remember to schedule an appointment at City Hall for next week tomorrow. Blah. That's sooo romantic. Oooh, maybe I can renew my drivers license while I'm there. :-P

Anyway, on the positive side, we decided that since we're having this stupid little DMV wedding, and we don't want to destroy our poor mother's hearts, that we're going to spend our "honeymoon" on a trip to NJ and then CA so that we can all finally meet each other in person before Shadoe has to leave. I need to get on priceline.com and start working out some flights. It sucks that this is so last minute (like everythign I ever do...) I just hope Shatner's got the hook up for us.

Jajeczka, gdzie sa jajeczka?

2005-02-16T16:25:19Z

I can now look forward to a year of exciting new hate mail... in POLISH!

Playstation 3: it's not a game!

Paperworkout.

2005-02-16T03:27:25Z

I think I've processed more forms today than a scantron machine.

How do people like Britney Spears just decide they want to get married and then have it done before the beer buzz wears off? I'm amazed at what a huge hassle a wedding license is. We had to file all of these affidavits and read all these handbooks, and then sign affidavits saying that we read the handbooks. At least we didn't have to do blood tests. Seriously, I've heard that you have to do a blood test. We didn't, so maybe that was just somebody being funny. Whatever. Best $88.50 I ever spent. ;-)

I also think it's funny that there's a 3 day waiting period before the license is valid. That's better than the 7 days you have to wait for a gun. We were trying to work out why that may be, and Shadoe said that it's so that you can get your gun and marriage license on the same day, then get married, and then shoot your husband for his money all in the same week. Should I be worried? LOL!

So after the wedding papers, I started going through the Peace Corps application. Yeah, I know. It's a stupid idea. Still, I have to at least consider it as an option. But to be perfectly honest, it scares the shit out of me. The amount of commitment to the program that they require is really serious. It's like, dude, I just got engaged! My commitment tank is tapped for this week, okay?!

Anyway, I filled out the papers, but I'm still undecided as to whether I'll actually send them in or not. If I did, I'd wait until we were officially married anyway, so that buys me some thinking time. But seriously, from what I've read online and on the forms, it probably doesn't even *matter* what I decide. I'm absolutely unqualified for any position that they have in the whole program. The online test thing said that they "may have a position for someone with my skills", but I think that's probably a long shot. Somehow I don't think some village of pacific islanders is goign to need somebody to manage their Excel spreadsheets and keep them synced with the company's legacy database. :-P

Holy shit, I'm a Valentine's day cliche...

2005-02-15T02:03:48Z

I don't really know how else to say it, so I guess I should say that I have good news and bad news.

First the bad news. This morning Shadoe and I had our first real, acutal, yelling at each other fight. It was about the Peace Corps again. I was trying to get her to quit again, and trying to explain how I don't want her to give up her dreams of helping people, but could she at least consider helping people that *aren't on the other side of the planet*. And she was yelling at me about how if I cared so much about her that I would understand why she has to go, and that I wouldn't be so selfish. She was saying that I was making her "the bad guy" for joining the Peace Corps, and that nothing was stopping me from joining too if I couldn't stand to be apart. I was like "Ah ha! It doesn't work like that! My friends told me that even if I DID join the Peace Corps we STILL wouldn't be put together unless we were married!" And she's like "Well why don't you just marry me then?!"

It was like the argument slammed into a brick wall. We both stopped yelling, and then she was all like "That wasn't a proposal, it was just an alternative." But at that moment she finally got it through my thick skull what she's been wanting me to do. So I looked her in the eye, and I was all like "Well okay then, this IS a proposal!" I don't really know how real people do this, so some part of the back of my brain took over and just I did it like they do it on TV. I got down on one knee and told her how she is everything in the universe to me and that I couldn't live without her, and that I would be honored and humbled if she would agree to be Mrs. Raymond Caster.

So here's the good news: She said *YES*! :-D

The girl of my dreams has agreed to be my wife. GO ME! This is the best day of my life! :-) I keep almost crying as I type this out, I'm so happy. :-) We've spent all day celebrating and beign all lovey. I know that this doesn't magically solve all of our problems, and that we're still going to be apart, but it just feels so good to make an official commitment. It just sets my paranoid, no self-esteem having mind at ease to know without a doubt that she loves me enough to be bound in the holy eyes of God and Jeb Bush. It's not that I doubt that she loves me, but sometimes I just can't *believe* that a girl like her is in love with *me*. But she is! Pretty soon I'll have OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS TO PROVE IT!

Okay, so I didn't exactly have an engagement ring in the junk drawer in my kitchen or anything, but I did have one ring in my apartment. Actually *the* One Ring. Yes, I am now engaged through the power of officially licensed New Line merchandise. Haa! I'm such a dork. The funny thing is that its not even the *good* One Ring. Its the cheesey Applause version that comes in the little light-up plastic Mt. Doom. At least its really made of metal. I just hope it doesn't turn her finger green. LOL!

When I called mom and told her the news she cried, but said that it was the first time that she has felt happy on Valentine's day in 22 years. Then that made me cry. We're an emotional mess today! Ha ha! She can't wait to meet Shadoe after all I've told her about her. :-)

I never thought that I'd do a "sappy love thing" on Valentine's day out of respect for my dad, but mom said that he would have been happy to hear about it, because he was a "hopeless romantic" himself. I hope he's somewhere smiling at us today. :-)

Rocked and Rolled

2005-02-14T00:18:36Z

OW! Man my feet are *sore*! We went out roller skating with Turbo Dan and Tory today. I had to rent skates, and they didnt' quite fit right, so I got blisters after like, 10 minutes. Plus they really hurt my ankles after a while, but that might just be because I haven't skated since I was about 8 years old.

But besides that, it was actually a lot of fun. Apparently Turbo Dan and Tory do this all the time, so they were really good at it. They were doing all of these cheesey roller disco things where they'd spin each other around and stuff. It was pretty funny to watch them, and to watch other people watching them and gawking like they were the Lords of the Rink. Tory was wearing a shirt that said "Jailbait" across the front. LOL! Does she *want* Turbo Dan to go to jail?

Shadoe and I both pretty much sucked at skating, which was fine, because it meant that we spent a lot of time clinging to each other and the wall as we wobbled our way around the rink. After she fell and bruised her leg, we called it quits and just watched TD and Tory rockin' it out. But it was still a fun day, even with all of the bodily harm. I so don't want Shadoe to leave. I know it's "only" 2 years, but I want every day to be like this! I love her! :-(

But then after this big fun day we get home and there's a message on the machine from Julie. She's was using her "businesswoman" voice and she said she was calling to "remind" me that I needed to return the computer to the office, and that I only had 21 days until "legal action" may be taken. WTF?! Okay, so yes, I've been dragging my feet on the computer thing, but dude, it's fucking SUNDAY NIGHT! Nobody makes business calls on a Sunday night. This was all personal. This is so bullshit. She's just being hostile now. :-(

So it looks like I've got to get a new computer. Maybe I'll finally get that Customized Cyborg Green Alienware Area-51 5550 I've had my eye on. Sure it would suck my savings account just about dry, but *drooool*!

Whatever. I'll see how my finances look in another 21 days, beotch. :-P

As you wish.

2005-02-12T20:04:34Z

Last night was the best night of my entire life.

Shadoe's mystery date was so romantically awesome. She was like "We don't have a lot of money, so I was trying to find something free for us to do and I found this. I hope it's not too girly for you." It wasn't too girly. It was perfect.

Last night at Palma Sola Botanical Park in Bradenton they had a free outdoor showring of "The Princess Bride". I don't care if you do call me gay, I love "The PRincess Bride". It was so awesome to watch it out under the stars with Shadoe. I don't want to sound like a gushy little girl, but it was just *sooo romantic*. :-)

And then after the movie, she took me back to my place and... she did what you do when you take someone back to a place. :-D *eee!* I don't want to ruin it by being some kind of "kiss and tell" asshole, but it was just, I don't know, it was *absolutely perfect*. I had no idea that this was how it was supposed to feel. After every other time I always felt pretty good, but with this indescribable feeling of guilt and shame mixed in, and I thought that's how it was supposed to be. With Shadoe it feels like I want to pick up a car and run up a mountain singing Hall and Oates songs.

Even if its hard to accept, I guess inside I know she's right. I can wait 2 years of being "separated but not apart". I could wait 100 years if I had to. I love her more than I've ever loved anything before, and I know that she loves me too. :-)

Mystery Date

2005-02-11T20:28:20Z

Shadoe's got something planned for us tonight, but she won't tell me what it is. She says it's a surprise. The anticipation is killing me! :-)

Its kind of a relief though that she's not mad at me, because we kind of had our first argument this morning. I guess it wasn't an argument as much as a disagreement. I've had much worse with Julie, that's for sure.

I asked her not to go into the Peace Corps. I told her how much she means to me, and how I didn't want to have her leave my life for 2 years, and you know, everything. She said that she didn't want to lose me either, but we won't be losing each other, we'll just be "separated but not apart". I told her that she could do volunteer work here just as easily and she didn't have to go anywhere at all. She said that even if she wanted to ditch the Peace Corps (which she doesn't), at this point she can't just go to them and be like "Oh, you know what, I changed my mind. Nevermind!" I could tell that she was starting to get annoyed at me being all pathetic clingy boy, so I dropped it for now. :-(

So like I said, it didn't really escalate into a fight, but I still came out of it feeling like kind of a selfish jerk. So whatever. Mystery date in 3.5 hours!

Fate?

2005-02-09T19:58:39Z

How is it possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?

I've been having so much fun with Shadoe this week. Ever since the "Julie problem" resolved itself, we've just clicked back into our old friendship as if we had never been apart for a minute. I'm so happy to have her back in my life, but at the same time, so incredibly sad that she's about to leave again. I've been having fun, but I've been trying to keep an emotional distance from her. I can't stand the idea of getting so close to her again, and then losing her again. But this time around the world and probably forever.

I know it sounds stupid, but lately I've been thinking about what Shadoe's dad said to me about how you should be willing to throw everything away for what you believe in, and I realized that I've never really "believed" in anything. I mean, I believe in UFOs, but that's different. I've never believed in a god or anything like that. But then it occured to me that I do believe in something: fate.

I've been convinced that it is my fate to lose Shadoe in the end. That seemed to be the way the cards are dealt every time. The asshole hand of fate seems to delight in building me up just to smack me down again every time (and then all of my LJ friends comfort me in my moment of misery by accusing me of "saving it for sweeps").

If everything happens for a reason, then why am I supposed to keep losing Shadoe? It obviously wasn't so that I could find true love in Julie instead. Actually, I couldn't see any good that came out of losing Shadoe to California at all. All it did was make me want her more than ever when she came back, making the pain of losing her for real that much worse.

But then somebody left this completely random comment on my last post: "You and Shadoe are made for each other. Think about it. If you got married, her name would be Shadoe Caster."

I literally just sat and stared at that for like, 10 minutes. I never realized that. Yes, I've thought about being married to Shadoe, but I'm not like some little girl with a crush who writes "Shadoe Caster" 100 times in my math notebook or soemthing. That can't be a meaningless coincidence. That HAS TO be fate.

What if every little piece of fate's great Huckabee's puzzle isn't pushing me away from Shadoe, but pulling me *towards* her? What if her leaving to California and me dating Julie was just to show me how bad life is without her, and her coming back is supposed to be my chance to set it right?

I have to ask Shadoe to forfeit her accpetance into the Peace Corps. I know that its important to her to help fix the world, but there's all kinds of fixing that can be done in the US. In Florida even! Maybe it's all part of fate's plan. What if she's meant to become a hero right here, and I blow it by letting her go to Vanuatu where her talent is wasted? How much could they need Peace Corps volunteers there anyway? They can't be that bad off, they filmed a fucking reality show there.

Does any of this make sense, or have I reached the point where I'm just telling myself what I want to hear? I'm so torn apart right now. I can't stand to lose her again. When are they just going to invent transporters already and make it so that nobody ever has to be more than a flash of rearranged atoms away? :-(

Unemployment = Pirates

2005-02-07T05:23:43Z

This weekend was fun
Everyone has their mad skillz
We plundered the cove

This weekend was really fun, and being an unemployed loser, it doesn't have to end just because tomorrow is Monday! Go me! :-P In all seriousness though, Shadoe has really helped me to see that my shitty shitty stupid job isn't even worth fighting for. I hated it there, and to be perfectly honest with myself, I know I was only staying because I was too lazy to leave. I'll bring back the computer and ask for a recommendation, and then I guess that's it. There's got to be a better job for me. The more I think about it, the whole thing feels more liberating than depressing. Fuck the office. Fuck it to hell. I'm done with their shit. I hope Julie got what she wanted out of all of this. :-P

Anyway, Turbo Dan thought that we should celebrate my "freedom from the man", so yesterday me, him, Shadoe, Scottie, Mooker, and Tory all spent the day at Pirate's Cove in Bradenton. Yes, that's right. We're still tempting fate with Tory. Whatever. I never touched her, officer.

Pirate's Cove is awesome because it gives everybody a chance to kick everybody else's ass at something. Of course, on the go-karts, Turbo Dan is king. Anyone who doubts that he deserves the name "Turbo" has never seen him race. The best you can hope for is second in a race against him. Scottie and I were pretty evenly matched, and Tory and Shadoe were pretty even too. So even though we all went at the same time, the real races were Me vs. Scottie and Shadoe vs. Tory. Mooker didn't race. We all joked that he would have beat us all if he had tried. It's funny because he's like, the slowest person on earth. I guess it's probably funnier if you know him.

Laser Tag was all Shadoe. It is awe inspiring, totally hot, and I admit, a little bit spooky to watch that girl handle a gun. I don't even think she aims, she just has this *sense*. She seems to be more accurate the faster she's moving too. I saw her strafe Turbo Dan, Scottie, AND some guy I don't know while she was in a flat out run from one side of the court to the other. Amazing. I'm glad she was on my team, because I sucked at it. I can't shoot for shit if it's not a point and click. :-P

But I had my moment on the green. Mini golf, beotch. Now you're in MY house! I wrecked the competition. Tory was the only one who even came close, and I still beat her by 8 strokes. Boo yah! Me and my basic understanding of fundamental physics say IN YOUR FACE!

Scottie and Turbo Dan did the batting cages, but the rest of us bailed over to the restaurant. I know my limits. I didn't need to show the assembled "Teens Night" audience my prowess with a fast pitch baseball, thank you very much.

On that subject: Saturday night is "Teens Night" at the cove, and Scottie gave Turbo Dan more shit about that than I could have taken without punching him out. TD has pretty thick skin. Or he just doesn't get it. Eventually Scottie started being the "concerned responsible friend" and the whole "dating an underage girl" argument got torn open again with the girl sitting *right there*. No filter on that guy. Turbo Dan didn't even want to talk about it. I could tell that he was just seething with rage, and I was just waiting for him to totally knock Scottie out, or for Tory to do it, either of which would have been *so awesome*. But unfortunately Shadoe came to the rescue.

She was like "It's not illegal for you to be in love with a 16 year old, only for you to have a sexual relationship, just wait for her to turn 18, 2 years isn't very long to wait for someone if you're really in love, etc. etc. etc." The way she speaks is so diplomatic. She can tell you what you don't want to hear, but make it sound like something you do. Anyway, Turbo Dan and Tory made no agreements to actually do what she said. Whatever. At least she tried. I wash my hands of it.

Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it on a Friday.

2005-02-04T21:04:55Z

I was pissed at first
Unfair, but it's all my fault
Shadoe cheered me up

Everybody saw this coming but me. I guess I was naive to think that it wasn't going to happen.

Today my supervisor called me in to his office for a meeting. Julie was there. Long story short, I've been terminated from my job for stealing company property. I have 30 days to return the computer before they take "appropriate legal action".

This is so bullshit. SOOOOOO bullshit. I know damn well that this is just Julie getting revenge on me, but its not like she doesn't have a case. I can't believe that this all goes back to *one stupid sticker* that I didn't notice. So if I trace it back to the first step Huckabee's style, losing my job over this can be attributed to one broken, open box DVD burner. Smooth move, cheap ass. That saved you a *lot* of money in the end. :-P

I suppose it's possible that I could file some kind of counter-whatever that says "Yeah, well she sexually harassed me into a fucked up relationship!" but I don't think my evidence is as solid in court as hers, especially considering that I've never told anyone *before* I got fired. I don't even knew who I'd tell it to anyway. I mean, the head of HR already KNOWS what happened, but I somehow doubt that she'd be sympathetic to my side of the story. :-P

Julie stood over me and watched me clean out my desk like I was going to try to sneak out one last post-it pad or something. She was like "I'm sorry Ray, but you shouldn't have stolen from the company." I just looked up at her with big sorrowful eyes and was like "You shouldn't have stolen from me. You shouldn't have stolen my *heart*." I don't know what that was supposed to mean. It just came out. Maybe I was just trying to mess with her. We didn't speak after that.

I was pretty upset about it when I came home (early, with a box of everything in my desk that wasn't "company property"), but Shadoe talked me down and made me feel a little better. She made me make a list of pros and cons about the job. The cons included work that I never really liked, having to wear a tie, co-workers that I never got along with, and of course a psycho ex-girlfriend in a position of authority. The pros list included "They paid me every two weeks". So in the end, it's not like I lost my dream job or anything. It was just *a* job, and I'll find another that will probably be better. Door closes, door opens. Whatever.

Still, I've been there for about 5 and a half long years now. It's like a whole chapter on my life is closing. Yes, it was a long and boring chapter where nothing happened, but still, it was a big part of my life. It hasn't really started to sink in yet. Probably on Monday morning when I don't have to get up and shave and put on a tie, it'll suddenly hit me. I don't work at the credit union anymore. Yeah, it's not sticking yet. I guess I should call my mom and tell her tomorrow. The first thing she'll say is "You can move back home if you want." Moms are like that. Parent's just don't understand. Word. :-P

Well whatever. Fuck 'em. I don't *need* their stinkin' job. At least now, if I'm thrifty with my savings, I can take a break for a month and hang out with Shadoe until she leaves. Instead of sitting in my stupid dark cubicle punching in meaningless bullshit, I can spend every day catching up with my neglected friend time. So yeah. Go me. Being fired is awesome. W00t. :-\

More Tory?!

2005-02-03T04:14:47Z

Shadoe said that she wanted to go out and hang out with the gang tonight, so we went over to Turbo Dan's. I couldn't believe who was there. Mooker. Oh wait, that's not the unbelievable part. Tory.

It was so incredibly awkward. She was just like "So *you're* the famous Gay Ray, huh?" and I was like "You're Victoria?" and she's like "I fucking hate that name. Nobody calls me that but my asshole dad." So I'm like "So he IS your dad! You told me that your dad was dead!" and she's like "I tell EVERYBODY that my dad is dead. I'm humiliated to share his asshole DNA." LOL! bluey totally called that one.

And from there, things got kind of weirdly friendly. We both started comparing stories about what an asshole Blake is, and after we share all of these painful, horrible memories, all the sudden we're like best friends. All I can say after talking to Tory is that I'd rather work with Blake for 100 years than suffer through my first period with him just one time. The horror! The humiliation! The gross and neanderthal misunderstanding of female biology! LOL! Oh the humanity!

So Tory and I are kind of like, cool now that we have a common enemy, which is cool, but also sucks, because IT'S ILLEGAL FOR HER TO STILL HANG OUT WITH US! Okay, so hanging out is technically legal, but I had to take Turbo Dan aside and make sure he understood the finer points of statutory rape laws. He's like "I know all that, but it's not rape. I *love* her." I was like "That's just what it's *called*, it has nothing to do with consent" and he's like "I love her and she loves me. What does the law know, etc etc." So basically, he's SO going to jail. :-\

But even besides the law aspect, there's the fact that he's dating a girl who's still in *high school*. It's just so wrong. On the one hand, I believe that he DOES love her. I've never seen him so attached to a girl in all the years that I've known him. If you'd have asked me who he'd be with right now on the first day he met Tory, I'd have put him at least 8 girls down the line by now. But he's still with her, and still so happy about it. And if Blake hadn't blown her story, I'd still believe Tory was an adult. She's pretty emotionally mature for her age. Maybe she's ready for this kind of relationship. I don't know. It's really not my place.

But on the other hand, it's just so *wrong*.

Well, whatever. I've said my piece to him. I've done my duty. I'm not his mother. If he wants to go to jail over this, that's his business. I just wish he could see how obviously wrong the whole relationship is from outside of his own stupid head. :-P

Cold Shoulder Advisory

2005-01-31T16:24:31Z

So I ran into Julie this morning in the breakroom. It was weird because I know her schedule pretty well, so I went there when I knew that she *wouldn't* be there. I wonder if she was doing the same thing to me. :-P

It was... okay. She was nice, but it was an obvious fake nice, like when you're trying to talk your way out of a speeding ticket. It really hurt to see her like that, considering that she had been actual nice nice to me just last week, and I know how warm she really is. I was being nice nice to her. I wanted to be like "Come ON! Don't act like you hate me now!" It just hurts to be shut out like this. :-(

She asked me about my weekend, and I said that I just kind of hung out. She was like "Did you have fun with your *friends*?" The way she said "friends" it was like she was saying "puppy anal rapists". I said that I just spent the weekend catching up with Shadoe. I don't think she needs to know anything else about this weekend. I just hope that the Sheriff's office is with me on that one. :-\

I know it sounds crazy, but when I saw her I really missed her. I asked her if she wanted to go out to lunch, but she said that she was too busy. Fair enough. I hope we don't end up having to paint a line down the center of the building or anything. :-(

The Tory Incident

2005-01-31T06:17:35Z

Picking up Tory
It's a small world after all
There's no fucking way!

Holy fucking shit. This is one of those days that I feel like I have to write down the entire thing because it's just too fucking bizarrely impossible not to be documented.

So I'm hanging out over at Turbo Dan's place with Shadoe and mother fucking Scottie, and we're just drinkin' beers and playing Nintendo and whatever. Then Turbo Dan gets a call from Tory. She's all desperate to come over, but she's stranded at her friend's house and she doesn't have her car. In retrospect, this absolutely makes no sense and should have been a red flag. You have to remember, however, that Turbo Dan took the call, and he had been doing a LOT of drinking, so I wasn't paying that much attention to what he said anyway.

She gives him the address to pick her up, but he's *way* too loaded to be driving. So rather than let him die, I offer to take him over there. After we circle around this really shitty neighborhood for like 20 minutes, Turbo Dan's drunk ass finally finds the right address. He was supposed to call her when we got there, but of course he forgot his phone, so we have to go and knock on the door of some random apartment of somebody that we don't know trying to find her.

So we go and knock on the door, and Tory opens it and literally shoves us out of the doorway and is all like "Let's go. Now." Then we get like 2 steps and she's like "FUCK! I forgot my keys. So she runs back into the apartment, but doesn't come back out for like, 10 minutes. Then we start hearing all of this yelling inside. So I don't know what's going on, or what the hell I'm supposed to do, and Turbo Dan is just looking more and more like he's going to keel over or hurl or both. Finally he gets all impatient and he's like "I'm just goign to go in there and get her" and before I can stop him, he just walks into this stranger's apartment! Now I'm standing there like "Do I follow his drunk ass in? Do I just wait here? Do I go home and pretend that none of this ever happened?"

So I decide to do the "good friend" thing and at least go and stop Turbo Dan before he does something stupid. I go in the front door, and TD is standing there in the living room just yelling like "Tory, come on! Let's go!" and I hear this other guy's voice in the other room like "Who the fuck is that?!" I guess here is the place to mention the first thing that I saw when I walked in the door: one very familiar orange ass-chair without a mate.

Tory comes flying into the room with her keys in her hand, grabs Turbo Dan by the arm and is like "Come on, let's get the fuck out of here." And right behind her is the voice. That horrible, horrible voice.

"Don't you fucking run away from me, Victoria!"

I shit you not, it was Blake. It was *mother fucking BLAKE*! It was like the end of a fucking M. Night Shyamalan movie. I couldn't even begin to form any kind of logic or reason as to why Tory would be friends with this middle aged asshole mother fucker. I half expected to wake up screaming at this point, and that this whole week was a nightmare, and Julie is laying next to me telling me that it's all going to be okay. This was not the case.

So he sees me at the same time that I see him, and he stops dead in the kitchen doorway with this look of complete fury plastered across his ugly drunk face. He just starts SCREAMING and he's like "This is your mysterious boyfriend!? YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING GAY RAY?!" And then, swear to God, he threw a beer bottle at me. LOL! It's funny now only because it didn't hit me. The mighty jock didn't let go until he was too far into his swing and he just kind of spiked it into the carpet like an idiot.

But now Tory's all screaming BACK at him and she's all like "I'm not fucking RAY, I'm fucking DAN, and there's nothing that you can do about it!" By this time I was ready to not be there anymore. I knew that there was nowhere this genteel discussion could go except for the hospital or mabye Jerry Springer, so I just grabbed Turbo Dan by the arm and I'm all forceful like "Come on! We're leaving! Now!" But before I can move his dumb ass, Blake throws the sloppiest punch I've ever seen, and all the sudden Turbo Dan's nose is bleeding. Blake is all "You're going to jail you faggot! She's only 16 years old!" In-fucking-credible.

Next thing I know, Turbo Dan has shoved Blake and knocked him down. By this time Turbo Dan just wants to brawl, but I was all like "If you get arrested the cops are going to get you kicked out of your apartment!" Which was total illogical bullshit, but it got him out of there and to my car. Turbo Dan would have ripped Blake to *shreds*. I still can't believe that I actually stopped it from happening. Anyways, the last thing I saw as I was shoving Turbo Dan out the door was Blake on the floor, too fat, drunk, and stupid to get up, and Tory screaming at him about how he's an asshole and he can't control her life.

So I brought him back home, and the poor bastard was so confused. At first he thought that Tory was sleeping with Blake. I had to explain that (unless I'm misinterpreting something) Blake is her *father*. "Tory" is the "Princess Victoria" that he always used to argue with his wife about. I still don't believe it. I guess there's no way I could have known, but damn. I feel like such an idiot. But if Turbo Dan didn't even know any of it, how was I supposed to? I barely even ever spoke to her, it's not like I was her boyfriend. :-P

So Turbo Dan turned belligerent in the car, but then passed out like 5 minutes after I got him home. I had to tell this story like 10 times to Scottie and Shadoe before they fully understood it. Shadoe said that Tory's "I'm 23" story never fooled her for a second, but she always thought that she was at least 18 or 19. Once we got talking about it, we realized that her alleged "bitch roommate" must actually be her mom. Moms always get the kids in a divorce, right? Man, everything about her is so obviously bullshit now. I feel stupid for having believed it at all. I'm such a retard. :-P

So I guess that's the end of her and Turbo Dan. I never liked her, and I always thought that she was a bad match for Turbo Dan, but I kind of feel bad for him, because he does really think that he loves her. It's one thing to have a girl with parents that don't approve of the relationship, but that's not even in the same ballpark as also having the government and law enforcement agencies of the state of Florida not approve of your relationship. I'm just hoping that Blake doesn't actually get Turbo Dan arrested. Or for that matter, *me*. He doesn't know shit about TD, but he knows my name and where I work. And he already hates me. Shit. I'm so going to jail for this. :-(

However, after this incident, one thing is now perfectly clear to me: I need to move to a bigger city.

Down doobie doo down down.

2005-01-29T07:58:10Z

No haiku. Too tired.

I can't believe today even happened. I still feel sick about it, but I know it was the right thing to do.

So okay Julie was like, psycho girlfriend from hell all morning. She brought all of these Disney tour books and crap into my cubicle this morning and was all full of this gigantic fake happiness, like "Let's go to Disney World this weekend! It'll be so fun! We can stay the All STar Movies hotel and go to all the parks! It'll be great!" WTF?!?

I was like "Julie! Stop it! I don't want to go away with you this weekend. You know I have a guest staying with me!" and she's like "Well that's why I wanted to go! I thought you could leave her alone while she's staying in your apartment and we could go and have fun and give her some privacy." And I'm like "Hello?! The whole reason she's in town is to SEE HER FRIENDS! I'm not ditching her."

So we got into this huge fight about how she always does this shit and how she hates all of my friends, and she was all yelling at me about how I'm "having an affair" with the "dirty hippie", and it just went on and on and kept getting uglier. Finally all of her histrionic bullshit just broke the camel's back, and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke up with her. In retrospect, I was pretty melodramatic about it too. I was like the abused housewife at the end of the Lifetime special or something. Go me. :-P

This all went down in my cubicle (Note to self: Apologize to Dave on Monday), so after I had said my piece people were starting to prairie dog and I was humiliated, so I just got up and left and didn't go back. It's not like I had to tell anybody where I was going. Soembody in HR knew why I was taking a "sick day".

I went straight home, and the whole time, for some reason I was crying my eyes out. I don't know if it was just the stress of it all going down like that, or just that my first real relationship with a woman is over or what, but I just felt all torn up. Sure she's crazy sometimes, but I really do like her. We have a lot of fun when she's not mad at me, but that just happens to be most of the time. :-(

When I got home Shadoe wasn't there and there was a note that she was hanging out at Turbo Dan's. So I got myself cleaned up and I went over there. They were all weirdly quiet and awkward when I got there, but they loosened up when I told them my news. Turbo Dan was like "Shit dude, we were just talking about what a fucking bitch she was. We thought you had been outside listening!" Heh. It made me kind of feel better and kind of want to punch him at the same time. Turbo Dan says I'm his hero now and he wanted to take me out for 100 beers, but I didn't feel like it was a cause for celebrating.

On the ride home, Shadoe said that she was sorry that we broke up, and she was sorry if it was all her fault. I told her that it wasn't, and that honestly this was probably long overdue anyway (At least that's what all my LJ friends say). She said that she was glad that we broke up, because Julie "wasn't good enough" for me. I thought about it, and that's so not true. She was *exactly* good enough for me. She was always *just* good enough to keep me happy enough to keep me from wanting to break up with her. :-(

It's like the end of "The Matrix Revolutions" where the only way that Neo could beat Smith was by letting him kill him, thus causing Smith's destruction as the Matrix balanced itself. Shadoe's "non-bitch" forces screwed up the equilibruim, causing Julie's recessive "bitch forces" to double up to take in the slack. Or something. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. It's been a long day.

Worst. Night. Ever.

2005-01-27T19:28:56Z

Last night was the worst
Julie is a jealous girl
I did not sleep well

Man, last night was *horrible*. I think men have killed themselves in lesser situations than last night.

Julie came home with me after work. I told her that I was just going to do some catching up with Shadoe and whatever, but she was all no nonsense about coming over. What does she think I'm going to do? Get Shadoe drunk and fuck her on the couch or soemthing?! I know *I'd* never do something like that. That's not *my* style. >:-P

So we get home, and Shadoe is in the shower. I'm all "See, she's not dirty," and Julie's just like "If you're going to let her stay here, I hope you're at least charging her for part of the utilities. If she even has any money." What the FUCK!? I haven't been charging YOU for all the showers YOU'VE taken here, which has practically been more than *I* have lately.

So finally Shadoe gets dressed and Julie suggests we,YES you guessed it! Go rent a movie. So we go to Video Library, and I decide to just appease her by letting her get whatever she wants without so much as a constructive criticism. She chooses "Fatal Attraction". The definitive "Guy has affair that ruins his life" movie. Oh, subtle Julie. Very subtle.

We bring the movie home and we're watching it, and Julie is just *all over me*. She just kept leaning in and kissing me on the neck and giggling like some kind of horny schoolgirl. It was SO FUCKING WRONG! I could tell that it was bothering Shadoe too, but she was acting like she couldn't see it. This would have been bad enough if it had been like, at the movies in front of some total stranger, but in my own living room in front of my best friend, it was just disgusting.

When she didn't knock it off after like the first 15 minutes, I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back I sat in a chair instead of going back to the couch. Julie was all "Oh. You don't want to sit on the couch?" and I was like "No, that's okay. You can stretch out your legs on it. I don't mind." Such a gentleman am I! :-P

So then the movie is over, and Julie goes to the bathroom and brushes her teeth. She didn't even do the "I'm too tired to drive home" routine. It was just like "Time for bed! Where I sleep here. With you. Like always. Isn't it, *Raymond*." While she was in the bathroom I quietly apologized to Shadoe, and she was all "It's okay, don't worry, forget it, etc." But it wasn't okay. I was so pissed off. Julie is acting like a total freak. It's not like I've EVER done anything behind her back with ANYBODY. We've had rough spots, but I'd NEVER cheat on my girlfriend, not EVER. I guess that's what pisses me off the most. The fact that she can't trust me enough to leave me alone for 5 seconds. Not just with Shadoe, but EVER!

So needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night. Julie tried to get a little action out of me, but that was SO SO beyond the wrong thing to be doing. When I made that clear, she just turned her back on me and went to sleep. Taking up the whole fucking bed, as usual. :-P

Today I'm like a zombie. If this bullshit keeps up I'll have to make Shadoe go and stay with Turbo Dan, silverfish or not. At least then I could go and see her by myself without Julie all up my ass. Turbo Dan is Julie Kryptonite. :-(

"Dirty Hippie"

2005-01-26T19:35:02Z

So today at lunch I introduced Julie to Shadoe. It was like fucking *Hoth* in that restaurant. Shadoe did her best to be friendly, I definitely give her that, but Julie just wouldn't give her a break. I hate to say it, but she was being such a *bitch*!

Okay, so we're just small talking about shit, and I'm like "Did you sleep okay last night, etc." And Shadoe said that she ended up sleeping on the floor last night because Turbo Dan's couch had silverfish. Aaaugh! That's so disgusting! :-P So Julie's like "You should stay in a hotel" and Shadoe's like "It's okay, I don't have the money for a hotel, etc." So I do the thing that ANY GOOD FRIEND would do, and I told her that my couch was vermin free and she was welcome to sleep on it. That was a mistake. :-P

When we were alone in the car on the way back to the office, Julie took a giant bite out of my ass. WTF?! What was I supposed to do, just say "Silverfish, huh? Well, sucks to be you!" She just kept going on about how I should have asked her first before I made the offer. Whatever. WHAT-ever. You're my girlfriend, you're not my parole officer. :-P

Oh yeah, also one point Julie actually said to Shadoe's face that going into the Peace Corps was okay for "her type". When we were in the car I was like "WTF did you mean by "her type"?" and she's like "You know, the dirty hippie type." The way she said *dirty hippie* it was like she was talking about lepers who were also Jehovah's witnesses.

I was like "Just because she wants to help out in the world it doesn't mean that she's some kind of '60s love beads burnout. And she's NOT dirty." And then she was just like "Oh please, you know that she's only doing this because nobody would actually give her a good job *here*." As if she was being exiled to the south pacific for being unhirable. She's so fucking lucky that my mom always taught me that it's wrong to punch girls. :-P

Why is she being such a jealous bitch all the sudden? NEWSFLASH: YOU WIN JULIE! YOU'RE my girlfriend, not Shadoe! Hello?! I wish that just once Julie could meet one of my friends and actually just *like* them. Then again, I think all of her friends are assholes too, so at least we have balance. :-P

The News!

2005-01-25T18:21:33Z

So yesterday was Monday, and I finally found out Shadoe's news. But I can't tell you about it. Will you be home on Saturday?

Ha haaaaa! Sorry.

Okay, yesterday I'm at work all day, and I'm all upset and worked up and everything about Shadoe's call. Then quitting time is rolling around, and all the sudden there's this huge freakout with the database, and I can't leave until it's fixed. AAARG! Luckily Dave is a bad ass mother fucker on the database software, so with the two of us working on it, I was *only* 2 HOURS late leaving the building. If I had been alone or with Blake though, it literally would have taken until morning. Dave is da bomb.

So anyway, I kept calling home like every 5 minutes to check my messages, but there was never anything. Finally I'm ready to go and I call one more time. No messages. Cool. So I floor it home and go flying out of my car to get upstairs before the phone rings, and then what do I see on the steps to my apartment?

Shadoe, waiting for me with the biggest smile that I've ever seen, very very NOT pregnant. It was so weird and awesome (like sbemail100!) that my brain just siezed up. I don't even know what I said, or what she said. I'm pretty sure I cried though. She was all "Sorry to be so mysterious on the phone, but I wanted to surprise you" and I was all "I'm surprised! I gave up hope that you'd ever move back!" Then she's like "Well, I'm not moving back. That's what I wanted to tell you, but I had to tell you in person."

And suddenly the good mood turned horribly bittersweet. She's been accepted into the Peace Corps. She's leaving the country at the beginning of March, and she's going to be working in Vanuatu for the next 2 years. When she told me I thought it was a joke. I was all like "Are you going to be part of the international task force sent to help them recover from 'Survivor'?" But she was serious. She's actually going to Vanuatu. It makes me wish that I had watched that show now. I didn't even know where it was until I looked it up. And I thought California was too far away. The south Pacific is like, she might as well have told me she was going to Mars. :-(

She said that she found out before Halloween, but with her dad and everything she wasn't even sure that she was going to accept. Then when he passed away, she didn't want to just abandon her mom, but they decided that this is what her dad would have wanted and etc. She was like "I didn't know how to tell you" and I'm like "Why didn't you just TELL ME!?" and she was like "I almost didn't tell you at all, because I knew you had a girlfriend now and you probably didn't care, but I still care so much about you." I was like "So... you *do* care?" and she was like "Of COURSE I care! You mean so much to me! etc etc!" WTF?! I mean so much to you?! Where is this all coming from all the sudden?! TOO LITTLE TOO LATE! I have a girlfriend now and you're LEAVING THE COUNTRY! Why couldn't she care this much about me when I was throwing myself at her every day!? Whatever. I guess fate never had it going for us after all. :-P

So I don't really know what to say at this point, and I'm like "So how long are you in town for?" and she's like "I wanted to spend the rest of my time in the US in Sarasota with my friends, if that's okay." IF THAT'S OKAY! The implications of that kind of stung. It was like "Would you still hang out with me just as a friend even though you have a girlfriend?" Whatever. Everything else aside, she's STILL the best friend that I ever had. She's made arrangements to sleep on Turbo Dan's couch. I would have told her she could stay with me (on my non-disgusting couch), but I thought that might not go over well with Julie given our history.

So I'm like "So is Luis here too?" and she's like "Nope, just me". So I'm like "Oh, did you guys break up?" and she just laughed and was like "No, it's nothing like that, I'll miss him a lot and, etc etc." So I'm like "Well, that's noble, to try to make the long distance work" and she's like "WTF are you talking about?" I'm like "Isn't he your boyfriend?" and she just busts out laughing and is like "Dude, Luis is GAY!" I just started laughing and I was like "I assumed that you were together because of the Winter Solstice card and etc etc!" and she's like "Why do you think he even celebrates Winter Solstice? He doesn't do Christmas because he's not down with people who think his lifestyle is a sin." Ha haaaaha ha! I should have just not been such a wuss and asked before. It would have saved me a lot of unfounded petty jealousy. I'm such an idiot.

So I can't wait for Julie and Shadoe to finally meet each other! All my favorite ladies finally in one place! Giggedy! ;-) But on the other hand, I'm sort of paranoid that Julie won't like Shadoe. She's not exactly been a becon of friendship to *anyone* in the Turbo Dan gang, and I think the fact that I've told her Shadoe is my girlfriend (even though she WASN'T and never actually WAS) is not going to make the reception any warmer. Still, I think if I introduce her right way she'll be happy to meet her. I think we have a pretty trusting relationship.

So I've been trying to work out the exact right way to tell Julie about Shadoe in my head all morning. This is exactly like that episode of ST:TNG where they have to go through the asteroid field, and they run the computer simulation a thousand times, and every time the Enterprise gets wrecked in a different way. Every variation I try, I get closer to the goal of her going "Oh, that's cool", but I always smash on the rocks at some point before I get there. Picard fixed the problem by turning off the computer and just winging it. Maybe I should do the same. But I'm no Picard. :-\

Not Monday yet

2005-01-23T21:52:08Z

I'm so distracted today. Why can't today be Monday already! I can't stand this! I've almost called Shadoe like 100 times since yesterday, but she was solid about the Monday thing. There's no point in harassing her about it if she's not going to tell me anyway. Plus she told me it was "good news", so I shouldn't be all worked up. :-\

I went out for lunch with Julie today and she just got all irritated at me. She said that I've been acting all depressed lately, and she thinks that I'm just doing it for attention. What!? From who?! You?! You couldn't give me any more attention if you cut me open and started cataloging my organs!

So I told her about the Shadoe thing. She's sure that it's going to be a wedding invitation. She thinks that I'm going to get it in the mail on Monday, and that's why she couldn't tell me yesterday. That doesn't sound like Shadoe to me, but theres a certain logic to it I guess. I'm not sure if I like that idea better or worse than her being pregnant. Then I remind myself I have a girlfriend, and Shadoe having a husband OR a baby doesn't change anything in my life, at all, and I shouldn't even care.

Anyway, after she said it was a wedding invitation, Julie just kind of broke eye contact and was like "All of my friends are getting married too. We're reaching that point where it's time to get married." I nearly choked on my Dr. Pepper, but then I realized that she meant that point *in our life cycle*. I think.

Just to be sure, I told her that none of *my* friends were married. And she was like "That's because none of your friends are worth marrying." Grrr. I hate it when she says shit like that, because I can't really *disagree* with her. But the difference is, *I like them*. It's the equivalent to how Chris Rock can drop the N-bomb 200 times in an HBO special and it's okay, but if Jerry Seinfeld did it once, he'd be executed. You can't make those kind of cracks from outside the group. >:-(

Baby baby?

2005-01-22T20:44:40Z

I just had the weirdest conversation with Shadoe. If you can even call it that. It only lasted for like, 20 seconds.

I called her and she was all incoherent and was like "I've got something important to tell you, and it's something that I've known for a few months. I didn't know if I should tell you, but I decided that you should know."

So I'm like, "Okay, what is it?" and she's like "I can't tell you right now. Will you be home on Monday night?" and I was like "Okay, sure. But, ?!?!?!?!?" and she was just like "Don't worry. It's not bad news. I'll talk to you Monday."

WTF?! She said it's not bad news, but I'm still freaked out. What could have happened? And why Monday and not today?! What's going to be different on Monday from now? This is so weird.

If it's not "bad" news, the only thing that I can think is that there's a little Shadoe or a Luis Jr. on the way. Which, I mean, if that's what she wants, then it *is* good news, but I mean... I don't even know. I shouldn't get worked up about it. It's not like it's really my business or that it really effects me at all. It's just upsetting to me not to know. :-(

Julie 24/7

2005-01-20T22:58:55Z

Julie's always there
They say you "can't live with 'em
can't live without 'em".

I'm starting to get really annoyed with Julie lately. She's just *always there*.

She's always coming over and watching movies with me at night . Watching movies, watching movies, watching movies. I don't know what would happen to our relationship if the Video Library shut down. :-P

But I don't care about that, that's not the problem. The problem is that after the movie, lately she's always *too tired* to go home, so she just stays over. That was fun the first few times, but its losing it's charm fast. I mean, I don't even try for any nookie anymore, I just want to go the hell to sleep. And my little loser bed wasn't built for 2, especially when one of them is a 7 foot tall mutant. I'm sick of sleeping with my ass hanging out of bed and my arm pinned under her giant basketball head!

And if I tell her that I'm just going home and taking care of errands and crap, she's all like "Can I just hang out? I won't get in the way." AAARRG! She can't understand the concept of "alone time". Every time I say that I just want to be alone, she gets all paranoid. She always thinks that I'm doing something I don't want her to know about, like hanging out with Turbo Dan.

Man, we've had it out about him this week too. We went out with him and Tory again last Saturday and the whole day the two of them were like sandpaper on each other. She can't understand that we're just old friends and I can just like him without concrete reasons. She's all "Every thing about him makes him an idiot and a jerk!" and I'm like "Well I can't argue with that, but he's my FRIEND!" I admit, if this were the debate team, she'd have won the Turbo Dan debate, but it's not the debate team, it's my fucking life. Turbo Dan is like Apple Jacks. I just like him, OKAY?!