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A journey of 1000 miles... - Caster's Blog [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Ray Caster

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A journey of 1000 miles... [Feb. 24th, 2005|10:43 am]
Ray Caster
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]

Caricature by Walt Davis
On February 22nd, 2005
Mr. Raymond Simon Caster and Miss Shadoe Moon Beaupre
were bound in loving matrimony.

Aren't we just the cutest thing? :-)

Me and the all new Mrs. Shadoe Caster leave on our 2 week "honeymoon" to go see our moms first thing tomorrow morning, so today is officially my last chance to return this computer to the office before I'm past the 30 day deadline. Yes, I waited until the last possible minute to do something, can you believe it? I tried to peel the Apple sticker off the front of it just now, and it made this huge sticky glue mess. I hope they don't give me crap for "vandalizing" the computer or something. :-P

It's going to be nice to see mom and to meet Shadoe's mom, and I know we're going to have fun, but this whole trip seems so depressing to me. This could very possibly be the last time I see Shadoe for 2 years. :-( I was sitting here this morning thinking that when I get back and I get a new computer, I'm going to be doing a *lot* of whining to my LJ friends. I was actually thinking in my head about what I'd write when I got back. How pathetic is that? I've become such a little LJ exhibitionist that I'm trying to put my feelings into words before I even have them. That's so fucked up. :-(

It made me think of something that hawk_one said to me:

"I'm getting pained to see your posts. Over and over, no matter what the problem is, you keep resigning, you keep allowing things to run its course until either you or someone else explode. That's how you ended up with Julie. That's how you ended up getting split with HR Julie. That's how Blake could be a pain in your ass for such a long time. And that's also how HR Julie was able to fire you so damn easily. Because she knows you're generally a pushover. I mean, how many times have you been relying on this LJ community to come up with solutions of your problems for you? It's starting to become a bit too many, in my opinion..."

You know what, hawk? You're right. You're absolutely fucking right. All I ever do is sit here and whine to my LJ friends about every little problem that I ever have. I'm so pathetic. It's like I barely even exist outside of this journal.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm at a very symbolic crossroads in my life that I have to face on my own. In 2 weeks I will be all alone with nothing but a savings account that has enough money in it to buy one of two things that I really want:

On the one hand there's the Alienware Area-51 5550. Or as I like to call it, *my preciousssss...* If I had the money for it 6 months ago I never would have stolen this stupid computer in the first place. I know I could get some shitty Dell for like, 500 bucks, but I figure if I'm going to put down the cash for a new computer, I'm going to get the most bad ass one that I can, because I know that with Shadoe gone I'm going to end up spending all of my free time parked in front of it geeking out.

But on the other hand, I could buy a Qantas flight to Vanuatu, and with it the very real possibility of being with my one true love. I've already received an email asking for more information about my work experience from one of the banks there. Its not exactly a job offer, but its definitely not a rejection either. I found out that even without a visa, you're allowed to stay in Vanuatu for 30 days. If I had some solid interest from an employer before I left, that's enough time to nail it down and apply for residency. Shadoe says that the first time she gets her days off she's going to do some local field research for me on the immigration front. This option definitely wouldn't be easy, but it definitely wouldn't be impossible either.

So yes, I DO believe in fate, and I DO believe that fate has lead me here. But hawk_one is also right. I should stop sitting back and letting fate do all the work for me. It's time for me to stop asking *everybody else* what I should do, and for once just figure out what *I* think I should do.

At this point in my life, am I satisfied to keep sitting on my ass and whining into cyberspace about how miserable my life is, or is this the time to finally pull the plug, get out of the chair, and actually DO SOMETHING about it?

The only thing that I know for sure is that this will be my last post for a while. I'm definitely going to be in New Jersey and California for the next few weeks. After that, who knows where fate's path will lead?

[User Picture]From: amayasumi
2005-02-24 04:36 pm (UTC)
find a balance, though, dude.

finding things on your own is good. like the proposing to shadoe thing.


your life seems to be much more successful than mine.

what do i do?

ignore advice and do te things i want to do regardless.

find a balance, man. balance is good.
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